Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
These 21 FaceApped Celebrities Will Make You LOL
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
25 People Confess Their Favorite Way To Annoy Their Significant Other
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches