im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?