Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
