He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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