The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
