is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I deserve this hangover.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
