my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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