You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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