Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
