You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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