just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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