you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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