My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
