If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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