this beer tastes like vomit already
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
