Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
