Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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