you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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