I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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