I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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