On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You ruined the universe
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
