I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
