can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
