thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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