My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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