I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
