my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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