Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
