why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
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He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
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rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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