so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
