I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Randomize
