My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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