He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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