She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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