yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
