She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
