when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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