My liver just broke up with me...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
