my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
