I wish life had little blips of pornography
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
