remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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