My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
