I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
