guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
