You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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