Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
