somebody snuck up and got me drunk
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
