Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
