I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
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