I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
