Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
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