I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
