you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
