If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
