Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Actions speak louder than pants.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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